So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
