You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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