I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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