My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
