The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
