you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
