guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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