I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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