It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
