I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
