Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize