aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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