The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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