Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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