oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
