I wish I could teleport
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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