I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
