Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You ruined the universe
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
