She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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