Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she peed on how many people?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize