having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
