you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
