I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
