You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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