Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
