Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
