You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
