OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
