the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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