I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
