There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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