I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Randomize
