At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
he thought i was a dude.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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