my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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