One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
