I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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