she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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