ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
