my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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