By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I party with great urgency now.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
