u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
zippers are such a cool invention
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize