don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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