I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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