well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
The adults are the big ones right?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
