mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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