you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
