True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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