If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
