He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
