I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
