I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
