I didn't shave. On purpose
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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