Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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