Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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