when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
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