my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
