Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
